6:23 a.m. - 2006-06-20
Indicted
The good things:
1. Heard from a friend whom I hadn't spoken to in a while.
2. Got a boatload of stuff done in the morning.
3. Made two different pasta salads for friends who needed dinner - one with tuna, lemon and capers; one with chicken and cilantro.
4. Ate blueberries
5. I thanked two people who needed thanking.
6. Hung out with the Mommies last night to celebrate the next to last day of school, and the resignation of one of the women from her heinous job. (Did I spell that right? J-O-B?)
7. Andy was especially cuddly yesterday afternoon.
The bad things
I finally found out why my mother is mad at me. She would not admit it at first, but then it broke loose and she let the torrent out, full of snakes and debris. I am "toxic" to her now. I am judgmental. It's all about me. Nothing she ever does is good enough for me. I don't have enough self-confidence. I don't support her when she is having a tough time. I don't give her what she needs when she is having a tough time. I am breaking away from her because I did not do so in adolescence or in my 20s but am doing so now because I know that my parents will die. I cannot accept her for who she is.
So there you have it. All given to me in one phone conversation. She said she wanted to wait until she saw me to talk about this, so that she could take me to a therapist and we could have a session together. I found that especially strange, because she has never done individual therapy.
I spent the afternoon crying with anger because I felt so betrayed. Once again I am reminded that I am not allowed to stand up for myself with her. That is when she attacks. I am painted into a corner, and if I fight my way out, I am selfish and hurtful because she is going through a rough time; and if I don't, I will be attacked and beaten again.
Each time she does this, I feel a bit less devastated, though it still comes as a blow to find that the one person who you'd expect to love and accept you "unconditionally" actually thinks you are awful. That she can easily think the worst of me. But each time it breaks part of that bond because I have to protect myself again.
I spent the evening wondering if she is just lashing out at me because it is safe - that she is in so much emotional pain because of my sister's ordeals and whatever depression she is either denying or insisting on fighting without medical help or therapy. Am I supposed to do an intervention? Is she expecting me to swoop down and come and deal with her pain?
We are supposed to go on vacation together in July. My sister and her kids and my parents and us in Florida. I'm supposed to book tickets today. I suppose I have to make a decision about that soon. But right now, I am too mean-spirited about it to push myself to do it.
When I come back some day to re-read this entry, will it have a "poor me" flavor to it? Because I do not want it to. I want it to be flat. Without any emotion except puzzlement. I will not be attacked for being who I am. Shame on me for allowing that.
But will I reread it and say oh yes - there are all the signs of what I should have done to help her. Do I know what that is?
I am flying to Clevel@nd early tomorrow morning and will be gone for a few days helping my friend clean out her dead husband's closets.
A hui hou marama
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