9:31 a.m. - 2008-03-06
Too much drama
Spouse and I had a very calm discussion last night and it was instigated by "Super Nanny." We were watching the family do their thing, and spouse turned to me and said - "I can't watch this, I hate to see people suffering." And I turned to him and said, (because I can be such a drama queen) "Well I am suffering." And he looked at me and said he knew. So we talked calmly. Spouse and I have this one issue that we have had since before we were married. We've seen couples therapists, individual therapists, and participated in an "experimental" therapy that was for a research project at a nearby university (and it was just talking.) And despite his claims that things would get better, nothing changes. If I yell and scream and cry, nothing changes (except that I feel so awful for being that shrieking person) and if I give him space to work on things, nothing changes. And he promises that he will work on things. About 10 years ago, I thought briefly of separating. Still didn't make any difference. Spouse is so wonderful on just about every other front, that I don't know why he chooses not to work on this one, except that it is something that I asked for. I seem stuck in this thing where when I ask for something (not just from spouse, but from others) I do not have it. I am denied. So what is it in me that either inspires people to deny me, or inspires me to choose situations where I will be denied?
I think I would be fine if spouse would just say that we are done with this issue but he just keeps giving me promises that he doesn't keep. And I am sick of hearing them and they are starting to erode the trust I have in him in other areas of our lives.
Otherwise, he is very thoughtful and kind, he's a great father, he's good company, he surprises me with little things all the time, he is affectionate, so why am I complaining? Maybe it is just my issue.
And for now, that's all I got.
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