3:31 p.m. - 2010-04-22
What I did this morning
This morning was kind of surreal. I arrived for my appointment with the psychiatrist - an older, slender gentleman with an accent. I felt like I was talking to a more kempt version of Freud.
He did alot of talking. He reviewed my history. Once or twice, he talked over me.
I am not sure about this.
First of all - and no disrespect if one of my four loyal readers is a male - I feel like a female physician has a better handle of what I am going through. In fact, I usually seek out female physicians WHO ALSO HAVE CHILDREN.
So I have to weigh whether I came into the meeting with a prejudice (yes, I did know I was seeing a male psychiatrist.)
And I am not used to therapists who tell me things. usually they ask me to tell them things. So that was a surprise.
The session went on for an hour - I feel like some of it was worthwhile. He suggested both cognitive therapy and gave me a scrip for an anti depressant. And then he told me that something I had said to the intake social worker two weeks ago had struck him: That I could not think of something I could do that wuold make me happy. That I wasn't just unhappy, but that I couldn't figure out what would make me happy.
He also asked if I wanted another medicine that helps people sleep. Have I written already of my phobia of drugs like that? I don't even like general anesthesia, but I do it because I have to, so we're holding off on that.
But he agrees with me that I kind of have the perfect storm going on: illness, menopause and stress. Perhaps there is a whole healing field out there for women like me since one in eight of us gets breast cancer, and most of us go through mental-pause. There should certainly be a market for this.
So my homework is to think what would make me happy. Of course the first thing I think of is the health and happiness of Andy and spouse and my family. But beyond that, I can't think of anything right away. I'm not allowed to put things like financial security or a college fund for Andy, or a clean house.
And because I made myself be so strong outwardly when I was going through surgery and treatment, maybe I'm just delaying the inevitable falling apart. But leaning on people is still kinda frightening.
And for now, that's what I got.
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