12:31 p.m. - 2010-03-09
Maybe I am a drama queen?
I am so unhappy right now. Here is what I think about (because really, I MUST be a drama queen.) I am frustrated about work. I am thinking that my son is growing up and away, and while he won't been a teenager until next month, I already have him off and married and living far away from me. My parents will die. My siblings are unhappy, and one is very sick.
And I can't think of one thing to make me happy. Not the fact that I have just come through a great battle (because of course I am convinced that maybe I still have cancer, or that it will come back more agressively next time.) Not the fact that I have a loving husband. He is caring and sweet and wonderful. Not the fact that I have a loving family, only that I will lose them some day.
I worry about paying for Andy's college. I worry about making repairs on the house. I hate myself for everything I haven't done (exercise, saving money, dieting, planting a garden, doing more charitable work...) I hate myself when I eat something that is not perfectly healthy (chocolate, beer, home-made cake...) I hate myself for not being a more nurturing wife and mother. I hate my carbon footprint. I hate that I have not done anything to stop killing the whales or small tree frogs or what the hell ever else is endangered.
I hate that whatever I am and do, it is not enough.
I think I may need antidepressants.
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