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10:21 a.m. - 2009-09-11
Scheduling the dance
Still here and waiting to dance. It is so odd that it is 9/11. Today is such a different day - dank and gray - different from the crystal blue of the sky I remember 8 years ago - full of autumn possibilities. But this is a different day, darker and more telling maybe, but still full of possibilities. Such profound change instigated eight years ago. Such awareness of suddenness and death; compassion and fortitude; sadness and hope.

Got through the MRI on Wednesday - they techs there were wonderful and kind. It was uncomfortable, but doable.

I thought to ask them to make sure the results were forwarded to the hospital by Thursday as I had appointments beginning at 9. They hadn't realized that, but worked very hard to have it done and I am grateful.

Wednesday night I continued in "pause" mode and then watched my new favorite show "Glee." Slept for a few hours, then got up early on Friday to go and find out the facts.

So here is what I know now:

1. I have infiltrating ductile carcinoma.

2. It is between stage 1 and 2.

3. It is very common.

4. I am ER positive (estrogen receptor.)

5. There doesn't seem to be any other tumor in my left breast, and none in my right breast.

My options are to have a lumpectomy. Once they excize the tumor, they will test both the tissue around the cancer and some lymph nodes.

If the margins are clean and there is no node involvement, I will have 6-8 weeks of radiation therapy. I will not lose my hair (which doesn't bother me, but will totally freak Andy out if I do.)

I will then go on tamoxiphen for the next 5 years.

If the margins aren't clean, they go back in and take more tissue. They can do this up to three times before they have to take the whole breast.

If there is node involvement, I will have to have chemotherapy first - about 16 weeks of it once or twice a week. My hair will fall out then. I will likely go into menopause.

But it is doable, and I am thankful to God that I found it early and that I listened to myself.

My friend Lee came with me to the appointments and she was so wonderful. I'm a good listener and note taker, and she helped me weed through alot of the info.

Her take - this is the best news of bad news: Small, early, treatable. She also thinks that they're thinking maybe no chemo which would be so fabulous, so that is what I am praying for.

But when the hell is the surgeon going to call and schedule?

When I got back to work yesterday, my office was filled with dozens of mylar baloon smiley faces - I knew immediately which coworker had done it - it made me laugh to see all those yellow smile faces! Then when I got home, my sister sent me gorgeous flowers. I am well decorated and grateful for all the love around me.

Again - I am so grateful and humbled by the kind words, notes, emails and prayers from my journal friends. Thank you.

So plans for this weekend: So far, pizza with my neighborfriends tonight on their back porch. Then: NOTHING!

Oh - and I watched the Secret Life of Bees - nice, but the book is oh-so-much bettah.

And for now, I have so much!

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