8:57 a.m. - 2008-09-26
Antidote please?
Friday! Friday! Friday! I'm so happy it is Friday! I've got to do some more work with the author and give a board presentation on the website, but those are my only scheduled things. YAY!
Just talked to my mother. She hurt her knee in China, and now has to have knee replacement surgery. She is walking with a cane, though she didn't when they were up last month. The doctor says it is extreme wear and tear and arthritis related rather than a torn meniscus or other orthopedic injury, but she still has to have the knee replaced. It has been about 18 months since her last bout with illness or injury, and it reminded me that my life is punctuated with my mother's illnesses and traumas. Two years ago it was the breakdown/depression; before that it was suspected kidney or bladder cancer. There have been car accidents and wierd symptoms and even a few emergency surgeries (gall bladder.) There was even a year where my mother was bed-ridden from a possible parasite she got in Mexico, or possibly allergies to the Shell No Pest Strip that was hanging in the bedroom, or possibly a rhuymatoid arthritis flare up in the bones of her chest. But it was a year in bed.
I am grateful that my mother generally pulls through these times, and since I have moved away, I am not considered a care taker, though we check in daily with phone calls and cards. But when I heard about this latest injury, it occured to me again how often my life has been punctuated with these periods, and I have to think about how this has shaped my perception of how things are.
I would be lying if I said I was not bitter sometimes, because I always felt my own illness was somehow not worthy. When I first moved away, I had to have surgery for a tumor, and I went into the OR thinking that I was going to have my uterus removed. Fortunately, it was not, which is why I am now the mother of a biological child. But I remember afterward that my mother (who did come up and take care of me, and then bring me home for the three week recovery period) said to me that she thought I brought illness onto myself. And that went into my poison box which I find myself opening when I get angry with her.
So it will be an interesting fall. And she will have the drama of having a cain at the wedding next month, and then the surgery, and then we have to go down for Christmas. So.
I do not like myself when I become bitter like this. I am hopeful that writing about it may take some of the poison out of that box, despite the fact that I check and stock it f requently.
But wait. Where did my excitement about the weekend go? Cleansing breath. There, that's better.
So I'm wondering if there will be a debate tonight? I'm wondering if there will be a deal today.
And for now, that's all I got.
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