9:21 a.m. - 2008-07-01
Someday all this will be mine
Thankyou Dawn Elaine for your nice note. I'm such a luddite I can't figure out how to email you on your site.
What's happening today???
I am kindof a mess on the inside. Work is just crushing me; I am so sad about my friend dying; I'm trying to get ready to go to Florida; I'm concerned about my parents and that my mother is going to try and pick a fight with me about something, or I will somehow still not live up to what she wants from me; the damn guinea pig is sick and needs medicine three times a day, and Andy's worried (though the pig seemed fine after his little surgery yesterday); my friend is going through post-partum depression and her meds don't seem to be working; I'm fretting over global warming and a petroleum based economy and what else can I churn into that?
Oh yah, we need a new roof, my house is a mess, we are kinda broke and I hate the new milk bottles.
Is that enough?
Most of it is my parents. Most of that is my mother. She is depressed again. She is drinking more. And I feel like I have spent all my emotional currency with her right now.
When I was in my 20s, my mother and I used to say that Helen Reddy's "You and Me against the World" was our song. At that time we worked together too. I hadn't thought about that in at least a decade; and the other night/early morning I woke up and it was playing in my head. I felt bad because I know it meant alot to my mother, and I convinced myself that a daybreak I was going to get a call that she was sick or dying and that was her way of letting me know. I'm thinking I really need to get some medication.
But the thing is, right now all I feel is resentment - that she expects me to give what she has not been able to give me - support when I was depressed. She told me that I was a drama queen or that I had no right to feel the way I did. But now, she is feeling those things and I am expected to be the doting and dutiful daughter. I know that I should be - it is not a matter of giving love only when you get love. If you care, you just do it selflessly. Right? Am I that selfish and stubborn?
We were talking about the Dream dinners thing this weekend, and she said she wished she had had that when we were younger because it was so hard when she worked part time and had the kids, and I reminded her that she had me - that I did the cooking, and she said "Well, I'm sure that's how you remember it." And I actually thought that maybe I had just convinced myself that I had done the cooking and housekeeping growing up, but I checked with my sister, and she said that I did. I know it is petty, but I think that is what I am so angry about right now - that she won't acknowledge that she had that support.
Okay, enough snivel and whine.
Here are the facts:
1. The piggie had an abscess and now has to have medicine three times a day and we have to watch to make sure he doesn't get a systemic infection. That was about $200 to have the abscess cleaned, and get an antibiotic shot and the rest of the medicine. So that means we'll probably have to board him while we're away, because I can't ask neighbors to give him medicine three times a day and he really can't skip any of the doses.
2. There are too many things to worry and think about especially those over which I have no control. I'm thinking like the global warming and the spread of lionfish in the Atlantic Ocean.
3. I need to get a grip.
And for now, that's all I got.
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