9:22 a.m. - 2007-05-18
Just thinking
I have no anecdote here today, nor a menu or recipe or Andy story. I've been thinking.
So here's the thing.
As a girl, I was raised a Catholic. I still am. I hear the parts that say that sacrifice is good, especially when it is done with love for those you love.
I'm used to that. I try and be selfless sometimes. I feel like it is part of a bigger picture.
I remember growing up that my mother went on strike and gave us all a job chart. We were expected to carry our weight. If we didn't there was trouble. Not beating trouble. I had a decent child hood. My parents cared for us, they loved us, we went on vacations, they sent us to college, I'm not saying I was abused.
That being said, I feel like, and felt like, I didn't have value unless I was useful. Unless I was doing my share and more.
I don't feel like I have value if I just am. Really, I'm not having a pity party here. I'm just realizing something that is so fundamental to me about how I think.
I cannot just be. I have to do.
I look at people who just are with disdain on some level. I think "what are you contributing? what are you giving?"
I suppose this also has to do with the fact that I am not beautiful. I think that people who are attractive aren't asked to do as much.
And also I think it has to do with the way I have been viewing my mother's recent depression, and my husband's ongoing depression. I want them to push harder and faster to get through it. Because when I am sick physically or mentally, I push and push and push through it to get to the other side and get better.
But am I really?
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