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12:44 p.m. - 2006-06-05
Some things never change
Saying prayers for %%Chaos%% and her family.

Last week I knew my mother was in a depression. She has been upset about my sister's situation. We've ALL been upset about my sister's situation for the last ten our so years. Always a drama, always a crisis, always a mood. And now, we are hopeful, it will come to a successful closure to my sister's satisfaction. But my mother has worked herself into a state and convinced herself that my sister could lose custody of her kids. DESPITE the fact that my sister is an outstanding mother and has worked really hard to be a fabulous mother. DESPITE the fact that the tiny souled, can't keep it in his pants ex merely dumps the kids at his mother's when he is supposed to have them. So last week, after my sister visited my parents, I knew my mother was in a bad way. I talked to her a bit about it. She talked a bit about it. She said she knew she had to get out of the house more. (She sometimes goes for three or four days in her pajamas and won't go out or shower or do anything except knit or play solitaire.) That's fine, except she was thinking it was a problem. So last week she told me to tell her that she had to get out of the house every few days. She's done this before and then forgets she's asked me to do this. "Just tell me, Pattypat, tell me that I should get out. Remind me how much better I feel." So last week she and my father did get out and went to a movie. She sounded like a different person when she got back. Again, she said, "Remind me that I have to get out every few days." She told me yesterday when I called to tell her about our weekend, that she was going walking today, that she was going to get out and about. So I called her after my walk to ask her about hers. Silence. "Okay Mom, just remember, you need to get out every few days." Silence. Then yelling.

"Don't judge me. Don't tell me how to live my life."

You know? I just am running out of resources here. I'm trying to hold it together with this job hunting, and being there for my sister and mother. I haven't felt like I could go to them for support in a while. When I asked for it from my mother, when I begged her to come see me in April there were other priorities, other commitments, other dramas. I hate myself for being angry over this but I'm seething with resentment. I KNOW my sister needs support. I KNOW things are coming to a head for her. But I cannot stand that my mother either asks for help and then refuses it, or that she won't do anything to help herself - no therapy, no anti-depressants. I AM RUNNING OUT OF ME. There isn't much more me to give help at the moment.

And then I feel guilty. I shouldn't feel bad for myself. I shouldn't feel anger at my mother (and I know that I'm angry about TWO things - her lack of will to do anything to help herself; and her lack of support when I ask for it.) And I know I have so much to be thankful for. Sound familiar here? I think the needle's stuck. I think the needle's stuck. I think the...

Oh. Hell.

And now for a complete change of subject. I was actually feeling a bit happy this weekend - we met some new people through Andy - an Indian family who invited us to their son's birthday party and were so excited to learn we loved Indian food that the woman gave us a fabulous meal, cooking lesson and a cookbook. It was such a nice afternoon, being welcomed into this family gathering.

We are exchanging cooking lessons - she will teach me more Indian techniques; and I will teach her some Italian. Our first dish: Eggplant parmesan next week.

Status report:

Job hunt: Still slow, not much out there.
Walking: Still going 2.5 miles each day
Weight loss: Don't even go there
House organization: Got rid of four more boxes of crap
Objects along the walk today:

A jar of pickles (really! Who lost that!)
Six kinds of caterpillars
three single shoes - sneaker, sandal, man's work shoe

A hui hou marama

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