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3:50 p.m. - 2006-03-28
A break in the silence
Yah, second entry of the day...I forgot to mention that on Friday, husband of silent friend called to say that he had just put their dog down. I remember when they got the dog. I babysat for the dog - it was a sweet black lab. Last year, it was clear that the dog was having some issues, but a very good vet took care of some things and said the dog had another year or so. She was about 12. So I spoke with him and he was upset, and we remembered nice stories about the dog. He said at the end that he wished his wife and I would patch things up because he missed us so much, and his girls missed us. So today I picked up the phone and called, fully expecting to be banished into voice mail via caller ID. (Am I the last person in the US not to have it?) But after a few rings she picked up and knew it was me. I told her how sorry I was about Jenny. She told me how painful it was for her. She asked what else had been going on, and I told her I was job hunting. She talked about what she was doing, asked about spouse and Andy. I told her Andy was going to be nine next week. Then she demanded an apology. Demanded. I said I was sorry she was upset. She relived the whole night from November telling me I had no right to be mad. I said again I was sorry she was upset. Yes. I chose those words. She said that was not good enough. She told me the words I had to say, and I said them. She said I had made no effort to apologize. I reminded her that I had come to her party, that I had called, that I had left Christmas and birthday gifts. She accused me of leaving them there when I knew they wouldn't be home. I asked why she didn't come to our New Year's party. She said she didn't feel like it. She said I should have responded to her email. I told her that I was still upset when she sent it and I might have said things I didn't want to. I told her alot was going on then and I was dealing with many things then -
I reminded her that we had the health issues/scares with my mother and father, that I was waiting to hear about the job, that I was sorry I didn't respond the way she wanted. (I did not say that I thought if we were such good friends that she might have called to see how things were going ANYWAY.) She said I was twisting things around to make it look like she was the one at fault. She said she heard me talk about my sister-in-law, so she was sure I was talking about her like that. I do bitch about my sister-in-law to my close friends. I cannot do it with my family because it upsets my mother so I don't. I vent to my friends. And I am now reminded of who they are and are not. I think that was the fatal blow to our friendship. I realize that she will use anything as a weapon. I realize that she is self-centered and believes that I talk about her to others. I know that seems hard to believe since I vent HERE. Since YOU know how I complain and whinge, but I don't do that in real life. I keep things in. Does that sound defensive? I don't mean it to. What I'm trying to say is that I don't talk about her because I don't do that.

She started another tirade, said more hurtful things, and I could hear her youngest daughter crying in the background, so I suggested that she go because I couldn't bare to hear crying. I have no idea where this will go next.

I am so angry. Angry at her for being such a shallow and self-centered person. Angry at myself for not just saying so, but I thought for a minute that we were mending the friendship and if I were to say that, it would never be fixed.

That can only be done on her terms, and I don't know if I'm willing to bend that far. She only takes.

I am still shaking with sadness and anger. I think this is officially done.

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