9:30 a.m. - 2006-02-22
In the second one
I have two kinds of bottoms. (no not that kind.) The first kind is the one where everything hurts and all I can think about is what will happen when the people I love die, and I won't be able to cope. My hair hurts, my skin burns, I cannot sleep and usually cannot eat. It is intense, but usually is of short duration, resurfacing in little mini-explosions during my second kind of bottom.
The second kind of bottom is the lethargic, soupy, flavorless one that makes me feel heavier and fatter and more invisible. I have no excitement, only anxiousness about things I haven't done or should have done, or could be doing. But I cannot get out of my own way. I loathe and question everything about myself, but accomplish nothing.
I have to start looking for signs of spring.
a hui hou marama
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