9:35 a.m. - 2006-01-30
Losing and lost
Last week seems so far away. Spouse and I got to IKEA and got shelves and a desk and chair for Andy's room and a bookcase for our family room. And I picked a fight with spouse. We came home, unloaded the van, registered Andy for some after school programs and came home and had a pizza. Saturday I ended up going through nearly 10 years worth of paper that had accumulated in boxes throughout our bedroom and study. And I still have more to go. Sunday we took Andy and his friend to the STARWARS exhibit at the science museum. It was fun but a bit expensive as everything cost extra. I find that a bit annoying. Then we came home, spouse made a big deal about letting me get in an hour-long nap and he would pick up some groceries, except he called twice to check on specific items. So no nap. Then I picked another fight with him about two HUGE THINGS he had promised to do about us and did nothing despite promises. Spouse and I basically have the same two fights and have since before we were married. I am still angry and sad, and angrier still at myself for saying hateful things. Usually we make up in a day or two and I back down, but maybe my backing down has enabled his lack of dealing with these two HUGE THINGS. For many, many years. If I nagged it didn't happen; if I cut him slack it didn't happen. And the more he promises to deal with it, the same platitudes over and over and over and over the less I believe him. I am at the bottom of the well. There is little respect left and that is a terrible thing.
Spouse is a good and decent man. I know he loves me. I know he would never physically hurt me. I know he is better than most. But this thing has been between us since before we were married and he has promised to do something about it. And he has made little effort - just some window dressing. I think that this thing affects most other aspects of his life - professionally and personally. Not that I am altruistically pushing him - this thing deeply affects me, though I am the only one that ever thinks it could be my fault on some level. The one thing he has never done is to blame this on me. But I wonder still.
And when Andy heard us arguing, I saw so much of myself in him - he first cried and begged us to stop, but then became chirpy and feigned cheerfulness, trying to be helpful around the house.
I just don't know where to go from here.
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