Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

2:31 p.m. - 2004-10-04
But the subtext is most unpleasant
So crispy and cool this morning! It is truly, officially autumn. Spouse is ill at the moment. He's having lower stomach pain and its accompanying digestive distress. His next procedure is scheduled for November 9, and I'm sure he will be fine, but I hate it when he or Andy gets sick. I hate it for all of the wifely and motherly reasons you can think of, but I also hate it because when spouse gets sick, it brings out the worst in me. I am a good wife and take care of him, but I have these terrible conversations with myself. My mother was ill for large periods of time when I was growing up - sometimes with identifiable things, sometimes not; and my father had two long (months) bouts with ailments, so I was in charge alot of the time. I did not like this. I did not want this. I recognized my resonsibility to keep the family running, but I was an unwilling participant in it. I've been thinking about that alot lately, especially with the whole FIL thing and how he has surrendered, and I finally realized that it was the surrendering that made me feel so overwhelmed and helpless. Both of my parents surrender to illness and to this day it makes me nuts. How can I be a hypochondriac and feel this way? I usually don't tell anyone I think I have a brain tumor. I keep it in, (except sometimes here) and sometimes I don't even tell myself. If I get sick, I fight it and do whatever is necessary to get over it FAST. Why do I think this is a virtue? I have no clue. I only know I want it to be the opposite of what my parents did when I was young, that somehow I must escape it.
It is not that I suffer silently, Andy and spouse know if I have a headache or cramps, but I push and push to get over it quickly. Hell - I had surgery and went to work two days later. How sick is that?
Anyway, so while spouse was sick this weekend, I tended to him, and worried about him, and simmered that he complained and took naps.
And hated myself for doing it.

On to the rest of real life: We had a block party this weekend - very fun, nice to see everyone. We rented a moon walk that looked like bizz lughtyear that was a huge hit with the kids. An honorary neighborhood member brought the equipment from his DJ wedding gig the night before so we had way cool music, and his almost four year old son kept asking me to dance so I did! It was so sweet - this boy is even sweeter than my Andy in that vulnerable, everyone in the world is kind and loving sort of way.

This week is a hell week. I cannot wait until Friday. Tonight's activity: sewing on 24 cub scout patches on Andy's and my uniform. Yeehah.

previous - next

|

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!