10:50 a.m. - 2010-05-26
revelation
So here is what I've been figuring out. I punish myself and berate myself on almost every front. I want to be a good person, but I am not a good enough person, but I have no specific definition of what it is that I want to be or should be, so no matter what I do, it isn't good enough. If I cook something, it could have been better. If I write something, I should have spent more time and research on it. If I relax and watch junky tee vee, I should be out taking a walk. I worry that I'm not a good enough wife or mother or daughter or sisger or friend. That my journal is not interesting enough or sincere enough for the people who may read it, even though I write this to have a place to dump what I'm thinking about.
I was cutting out coupons for the grocery list last night and thinking - gee if only I organized this a little better, then I would do a better job and we would save more money.
There is NOTHING I cut myself slack for.
I'm not crying and saying oh poor me right now, I am just mystified that this great reality - MY great reality is so freaking obvious and I am just figuring it out.
Welly, welly, welly.
I'm going to have to think about this for awhile.
It is still hot and humid - unusually so for this time of year. I made a simmered Chinese chicken, but we were out of rice so I put it on a bed of ramen noodles. Pretty tasty! Steamed some broccoli with soy and sesame oil and it was good. No leftovers.
Today a vendor is taking us to lunch. I'm looking forward to that!
Tomorrow, there are only five of us in the building (everyone else is at a conference or on vacation) so we are bringing in treats for breakfast and lunch. I'm making a fruit salad.
Also - I'm getting a pedicure tonight. First of the season! I may go for blue or green again - my favorite colors for my toes.
And for now, that's all I got.
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