11:29 a.m. - 2010-05-13
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Thank you for all the nice notes and emails. And for delurking. And for worrying about me when you have enough on your own plate to deal with.
Another day. I am actually feeling a little better, and I am so grateful for your notes and emails. I must sound like a whiney baby some times. I know I have so much to be thankful for, but sometimes I just think I'm the only one who didn't get the instruction manual on how to be.
I know between the age and the tamoxifen (which suppresses every last bit of estrogen in your body) that I have to think about the fact that some of what I am feeling is precipitated by hormones, though magically I still get to have periods.
I have to consider that the anti-depressant may or may not be working. And I have to consider that maybe every thing that is wrong in the world is not my fault.
I was telling my doctor yesterday that sometimes when I go grocery shopping I pick out some of the fruits and veggies that are bruised and buy those. That sometimes I don't even feel worthy to have the ones that aren't, or I feel sorry for the bruised fruit that it will likely be wasted, so I make it my responsibility. What. The. Hell.
I think maybe I'll be able to figure this out soon. What is about me that makes me think I am not deserving? Did I do something that I don't remember? Am I responsible for everuthing so that I feel in control? Except that really, I don't.
And that sharp, clear epiphany that I expected with the cancer - how everything in my life comes into focus? So far, not so much. I mean, I do know what is important in my life - my family and their happiness, but it isn't like some clear plan revealed itself to me when I faced the possibility of my own death. Mostly, I just feel guilt that I put my family and friends through this, and that I must have done something to cause the cancer.
So.
On other fronts: Andy had his Court of Honor yesterday. He had only earned one badge and didn't hear his name called, so he didn't even get up to get it. Oh well.
Also - I think our piggie is doing poorly. Spouse things he may be going blind. I'm not sure, but he seemed different today (the piggie, not spouse.) We're keeping an eye on him. He's still eating. We'll see this afternoon.
I wasn't hungry yesterday for dinner, so spouse and Andy devoured a sub. I ate cheese-its and orange juice. Might be my new favorite color.
We got home in time to watch Idol. I'm disappointed that the person who got voted off was the person who got voted off. I think the guy from Texas should have been the next to go. JMO.
Andy's girlfriend is back online, though he senses that something is different. I was a good Mom and resisted all urges to call her mother last week to find out what was really going on. But you know, even though it affects my baby, it isn't my business to muck around there.
This weekend we've no major plans. YAY! Spouse has to go to his school's commencement. I'll do the saxophone thing with Andy and we can hang out some. I'm hopeful to get caught up on some house work. Because if I have a perfectly clean house, I'll have more time to do stuff. Right.
And for now, that's all I got.
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