7:46 a.m. - 2010-04-12
Pity - party of none
I missed Friday didn't I??? I had an intake appointment with the mental health clinic so I could get an appointment to see a psychopharmacologist. The social worker was very nice, we condensed my life into a 45 minute session and I have an appointment with a doctor in two weeks. This has been a long process - BESIDES the part where I dithered as to whether I wanted to tough this out or seek some chemical help...But there was the waiting for contact from the Insurance company after contacting the primary care physician, then getting a referral, then getting an appointment, wait, wait, wait...what does this mean for people who are truly in crisis? And I have insurance!
So...Friday I was pretty wasted physically - it is one of the few times in my life that I lost time because of my period, but after I got back from the clinic, I had to stay on the couch for most of the day (in between changing my clothes because I bled through everything. Ugh.)
Saturday I took Andy to sax lessons, celebrated with my friend who got a new job and is very happy (wife of the sax teacher) and then we went to the in-laws to see them and spouse's brother, SIL and niece. It was a good visit, though even Andy noticed how cranky that side of the family can be.
We got home but I was too tired to go to church (and I was bleeding again) so spouse and Andy went off to do some things and I called my mother to check in.
I know she hasn't been okay for a while. I talked with her in person when I was there in February. We've talked about having her go to the doctor to have her meds adjusted several times since then, but she makes excuses.
She has been talking about coming up to spend time with me while I was on leave. But she's made little to no effort to find tickets and I am now about to go back to work next week. I know this has been going on in the background. I gave her alternative dates - I suggested she comes for Andy's concert at the end of the month. I suggested Memorial day. Still nothing but talk about how much she wants to come.
So I asked if maybe she should schedule an appointment to get her meds adjusted because this seemed like it was an issue holding her back and she said that she was worried because if they adjust her meds, then medicare might not cover it and I told her that she shouldn't worry about the money that we would do whatever it takes to cover the medicine, just schedule an appointment and she said she couldn't, but that I should trust her and I said that I didn't trust her because this made no sense. I asked if I should come down and she said yes, but I should bring Andy and spouse so we could have a visit. And again she said I should trust her, but she was starting to cry, and I said I was worried because I couldn't understand how she wouldn't make an appointment to talk to the doctor (especially when she pressured me to do the same...) and that I didn't think that my father would push her to go either. And she said she couldn't talk to me any more that I was toxic and she needed to be around people that she trusted, and that I was judging her. I said that just because someone disagreed with her, that wasn't judging her. She said it was. I told her that if she wanted to put it on me, then fine, but that she still should call the doctor and get an appointment, and she said I was hurting her and she couldn't talk to me any more and hung up.
I am used to these histrionics, and I expected it to blow over in a few days. I will of course, have to apologize, but each time there is less and less of me available to her. She does this too often now to me and I no longer allow myself to be as vulnerable. I mourned that a few years ago, we used to be very close - but now it is just the way it is.
So...Andy (who usually calls my parents every day or two) called my folks - not at my prompting. I could hear his end of the conversation - he spoke with my mother first, then he spoke with my father. As he usually does, he asked if my father wanted to speak with me, and my father apparently said no, because I heard Andy ask "Why not?" and then Andy burst into tears and hung up.
When I asked Andy what happened he said my father told him he would not speak to me because I had "ripped my mother a new asshole."
I was furious. I reviewed the entire conversation in my mind because of course, my first instinct is to doubt myself, but my anger at my father who had the lack of feelings or sense to involve my son in this, and to not even bother to check out what had happened, hurt my son.
I called him and told him that he was never to do that again to Andy, that he had no business involving my son in this situation, and that he could have called me to find out what had happened. He could have even made some other excuse. He told me that he came home after church and my mother was crying. I don't know if he asked her what happened and mis-interpreted, or if she told him a version, but I told him exactly what I had said. He hung up.
I do not plan on speaking to them for a while. This is extremely counter to how I am. I want to talk about things, I want to work things out, I usually go skulking back with apologies and concessions even if it isn't my faut, just to keep the peace.
But right now, I want to break up with them. I want to take the stuff of theirs in my house and box it up and send it all back. How mature is that?
I called my sister Saturday night to see if she knew if something else was going on, and she said that she thought everything was fine - in fact, my parents are going to see her next weekend for a visit. I clued her into what happened but asked her not to get involved. We'll see how things shake out, and I especially don't want to add to her burden - she has been so good to my brother, my parents and me during all these crises.
She too is tired of my mother's constant state of emergencies.
And yesterday when my sister called, she said my folks sounded fine and that they were still planning on coming next weekend. So I guess this crisis is just for my benefit, but I feel better that at least they are functioning happily on that front.
Can I just say that I feel so ridiculous that at 52, I am still so affected by my parents? And that I am incensed at my father's total lack of judgment with Andy? It will take me a long time to get over this.
I spoke with Andy and told them that my parents were upset and explained what I had said. And Andy said he didn't want to talk to them for a while, but I said that he should be patient with them, that they were very upset that two of their children had been sick and it took a toll on them, and that was probably why they were having a hard time. If he felt like talking to them, that would be fine. He was afraid it would hurt me and I assured him that it would not, and that he should do what feels right in his heart.
And then I called my friend who had suggested that we take a "hookey" day on Monday and hang out while I was still on leave. I called to find out if we were still on, and she said she forgot and hadn't asked for the day off. She is such a good friend and I know she has alot going on, I shouldn't feel upset, but I do.
I feel like I am at a stage in my life where people are feigning interest in me. Did I spend all their support already? Why does my mother say she wants to come, but then doesn't; and when I ask her to come she doesn't. And why does my friend say she wants to do something, but then doesn't remember to make plans? Am I annoying? Asking too much? Sending the wrong signals? Forgettable?
And then I read about Jane.
The anxiety is crawling all over me. I am anxious about going back to work next week. What will be waiting for me? What expectations will be there?
And for now, that's what I got.
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