10:58 a.m. - 2010-01-27
Worry beads
I realize that I haven't felt any joy or happiness in a while. Not that I feel entitled to have that all the time, but mostly I've been feeling gratitude or angst or guilt. Is that what I've devolved to? I am so grateful to be through with this part of the cancer, I am grateful for the support and love of family and friends, and that I have access to health care, but I also feel guilty about the pain and worry I've put them through, and that maybe my sister feels neglected by my parents, and that I've not been a good enough mother or wife or sister or friend during this. And of course, I worry about my brother. And I worry about my family worrying about my brother.
I make a whole necklace out of worrying. After I finish with family, then I worry about the economy, and whether we'll have enough money for Andy to go to college, or if he'll be okay when we die since he doesn't have any siblings and his cousins are spread out on the Eastern seaboard. Then I worry about Haiti, and my friend who is supporting his mother and sisters in Africa who asked me for $500 that I don't have.
But I would like to feel a little joy without remorse. I know I will feel joyful when I see Andy, but then I think about how fast he is growing and what my life will be like when he doesn't live with us, and the kind of world he inherits. Anxious much? Depressed? How do I unlearn this?
And for now, that's all I got.
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