3:13 p.m. - 2009-12-17
Working the worry
Here is what I want to write about: I want to write about how I find myself so much in the hands and care of women. I depend on female doctors and techs and receptionists to get me through this part of my life and process my insurance and schedule my appointments.
And I am surrounded by wonderful women in real life and on the Internet who call me and email me and hug me when they see me and tell me jokes and bring me treats and soothe my soul and sometimes who just listen.
And I realize that this is one of the gifts and lesons I've been given this year.
But instead I will write about what I cooked for dinner or shopped for; what I wrapped, what I did at work.
This morning I got my daily zapping, met friends for coffee, got my car inspected, picked up my niece's Christmas gift and my neighbor's thank you gift; found a big pile of funky socks for all the techs at the hospital then picked up a dollar burger, came home and fell asleep. Now Andy is home, doing his homework, and I am trying to clean my house.
I invited a friend and her husband for lunch tomorrow at noon in hopes that it would make me clean, but we have repairmen coming in, so I called them to ask them if we could meet at a restaurant instead (our treat.) That was fine, and takes off some of the pressure of cooking AND cleaning; and then the friend called one minute later and asked to change the time because she has a hair appointment at 1:15. And I don't know why this kind of annoys me. The time was always the same. What. Ever.
My mother is treating me to a five-day cruise in February as a recovery present. I was planning on coming to Florida during Andy's winter break anyway, and he will come with me (he doesn't know yet.) I'm just worried that my sister will feel neglected. I think we've all been taking her for granted. I find new ways to cultivate guilt no matter what.
I mentioned it to my mother, noting that my sister would be 50 next month, and this was close to her birthday, but my mother doesn't want to change the dynamic of the cruise. She just wants it to be me. She's just including Andy because she knows I wouldn't leave him for that long, especially since he LOVES going on a cruise. He doesn't know that he's going yet. I'm letting my mother tell him.
So then I'm also worrying that my brother will also be feeling poorly by then if he is starting chemo, and that we'll be away, even just for five days. AAAUGH! Do I just let myself enjoy this gift and relax??
And for now, that's all I got.
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