12:34 p.m. - 2009-03-09
Send chocolate, no wait, make that sugar free chocolate
I am letting myself feel mired in every area of my life - work, housekeeping, parenting, diet, friendships. I am allowing myself to think I am not good enough at anything. Is it hormonal? Is it mortality? Is it drama? I'm letting work spill out into all areas of my life and taint everything.
I am allowing amnesia to erase all of the positive things I've done at work, all of the "going ten steps beyond" kinds of things.
So this weekend - went to sax lessons with Andy, saw the in-laws for lunch. Was civil and polite to my FIL, though I could not stand greeting him with the usual hug. I am sick of being viewed as an inadequate daughter-in-law. We took them to lunch, did some chores for them, and then came home to do more chores for us. In other journals I read, there was alot of laundry going on this weekend, not just at my house! Made Andy dinner, went to a later Mass than we usually do and were stuck with an unusually long sermon, AND an appeal from the archdiocese for more money. Dropped Andy off and went to our grown-ups night and had a lovely time.
There is one couple who happens also to be my next-door neighbor. She used to be over my house or calling at least twice a day. Then suddenly, she wasn't - this was several years ago. I asked her about it, but she always sayd everything was fine, I hadn't done anything to hurt or upset her, and eventually I just decided to believe her. Now we can go for months without seeing them, except for when the kids play together in someone's backyard. Anyway, this couple has not hosted a grown-ups night in a year and a half. Sometimes she doesn't come, so I'm wondering if she thinks that exempts her from hosting. I just don't know. Kind of odd and awkward.
We came home (Andy called us as we were on our way, less than a mile...) and I was proud he stayed by himself. We set the clocks and tumbled into bed, and slept until 9:30 - I'll have to check for bed sores!
Sunday was cleaning, laundry and watching teevee, also grocery shopping and getting Andy new sneakers.
Didn't sleep well last night - a couple of hot flashes, some more anxiety, and I just want my sister to get a clean bill of health. When will they call already??? My mother keeps asking me about her saying that she seems kind of depressed. I agree with my sister's decision NOT to tell my folks just yet, because my mother has a tendency to make it her crises, as I might do if somethign were wrong with my child, but sometimes it is just too much to pile that worry onto everything else. So, we're waiting.
My FL SIL had a computer crash, and I gave her as much sympathy as I could, then my Ohio friend called and is having difficulty with her parents - one is four years into Alzheimers, and the other is just plain crazy and vindictive. They have the resources to let other's help them, but will only accept help from their daughter who was widowed two years ago and is going to school full time and working part time and just coming out of her own depression. It makes it hard for me to breathe when I think of that.
And spouse? Spouse is on attempt #3 to reseal and grout the bathtub. I am wallowing in passive agression at the moment. He tells me he is just not good with his hands. I tell him then that he shouldn't have offered this as a Valentine's gift (you know, because I'm the only one who uses the bathtub in the house...) and that a man who makes his living doing VISUAL things should be able to see a shitty sealing job when there are big blobs of silicone all over the place. Maybe I am just not grateful enough. Maybe I am hormonal.
Sunday I grilled turkey medallions wrapped in bacon with a maple glaze. We had that with roasted green beans, crescent rolls (Andy's favorite) and my neighbor sent over a broccoli casserole with cheese and cracker crumbs. Very delicious. I watched all the SNL commercials, talked with flammy members who needed information or consoling, and tried to fall asleep around 11.
This is our carpool week, so I was in work by 7:30 this morning. I refused to look at my email all weekend. It was beautiful Saturday and Sunday - mid 50s to mid 60s, but once again, Monday is punishment day, we have sleet, snow and very cold rain pelting us all day. Andy has a merit badge class tonight. I may run to the toy store to pick up a gift for our neighbor's daughter. Andy is invited to the party which is at a place full of blow-up things like moon-walks and trampolines. Tonight's menu: barbecue soy protein (I found it in the freezer and since it is vacuum sealed, it should be just fine, even though I think I bought it two or three years ago...) also corn and more green beans. Tomorrow spouse is going to a professional talk so Andy and I are on our own. I'm thinking a $5 sub sounds good for Andy. I'll probably just skip dinner or have a salad.
Spouse is off this week for his school's spring break. I'll send him for fresh fish on Wednesday. Thursday, I'm making escarole soup or maybe chilli - I have to clean out some of the stuff in the freezer; and Friday it is back to pizza night. We have no major plans next weekend, so that is kind of cool.
Is there anything else I can complain about? I can't think of it now. So for now, that's all I got.
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