9:57 a.m. - 2009-02-02
Eventually it'll get better. Right?
I feel like I may be having some kind of psychotic break because I have not been sleeping well for a long time, and now, I don't seem to sleep for more than 45 minutes or so before I wake up either in a panic, or gasping for breath. My throat seems to close up (I know I probably have some kind of apnea) but it is worse lately because I have an ear infection and probably am now getting a cold. So I wake up in the middle of the night many times and then work myself into a tizzy about health, or family, or finances. Is it age? Menopause? Am I just crazy? Depressed? Anxiety-ridden? Check, check, check.
I've also not spoken to my friend in Ohio for a few weeks and convinced myself that she is in trouble in some way. But I don't know, and I've left messages.
Friday's roast of a leaving co-worker was fun, and the poem went over well. Then we took him (with dozens of others) for drinks. Came home, had home-made pizza with spouse and Andy and crashed. Saturday was saxophone, a very wierd tupperware open house, and then I came home and baked some cakes for the concert. (Almond pound cake - very tasty.) We had sushi for lunch, and then Saturday night we went to the concert which was very nice. Came home and crashed. (Detecting a theme here...) But Saturday night I didn't sleep all that well, and last night was even worse. I'm hopeful that I'll get a better night's sleep tonight.
It was so gloriously beautiful yesterday - it has been so cold that when the temp got to 45, people were frolicking like it was early summer. I took a short walk while we were taking the in-laws to lunch and it was nice not to be so bundled up.
My mother's friend lost a son this weekend - the son had been involved with drugs and mentally unstable people for years, but seemed to clean up his act about 7 or 8 years ago, and this weekend he was in a scooter accident and died. My mother was very upset. The young man was in his early to mid 30s I think.
I'm sure I heard or read this somewhere, but eventually you get to a point in life where it stops giving you things, and starts taking them away.
I also heard from another friend who wrote to me to tell me that her mother is dying. So sad. I've known this friend since the mid 80s. I remember when she got pregnant, and now her son is at the university where spouse teaches. My other new neighbor/old friend is also having to take care of her elderly mother. I've known this friend for more than 20 years. The baby she was pregnant with when I first met her is now finishing up his second tour of duty in Iraq and is due home at the end of the month.
I am surprised by all of this - how fast things come and go. How unchanged I feel mostly, yet how many changes are taking place around me, as though maybe I'm unobservant.
Maybe I just need to sleep better.
And for now, that's all I got.
|
