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8:31 a.m. - 2008-10-14
Still full of acid

As usual, I never get everything done over the weekend that I think I'll get done. Friday was busy, got some laundry and cleaning done, took Andy to our favorite Mexican restaurant for lunch and later to his merit badge class, scheduled his orthopedist appointment (different from his orthodontist appointment) and did a couple hours of work work. Friday night we hung out, had pizza and Andy and the neighborhood kids played manhunt until nearly 10. I love that they all play together and have a good time.

Saturday we headed out to the in-laws and took them to lunch, then came home, went to church and prepped for the block party. Made a big pot of chicken and escarole soup for dinner and then continued the festival of laundry and finally fell into bed just before midnight.

Sunday up and at 'em, more laundry, changed the beds, swept off the steps and made bruschetta topping for the party along with some olive tapenade and salsa. My theme is all about dips I guess. We moved my radio outside because the DJ backed out, and by 1:15 we had about 30 people in front of our house. It was great! The kids spent most of the day in and out of the bounce house/moonwalk.

I have such a feeling of stress about the week before the wedding. My parents are staying with us as is my sister and her two kids and I love them so much, but I am just stressed with the company. I love my parents, but they can be difficult house guests. They say/think they don't want to be waited on but they really do, and with my mother's mobility being limited, I don't know what that will mean. I just feel like whatever I do or say it isn't the right thing, and I feel like I'm about to be ambushed or told that I am judgmental or negative or not fun enough or too quiet or too stressed or whatever. It usually revolves around my mother's drinking. She doesn't think she drinks too much, and I do. We don't just have a glass of wine, we have two or three giant glasses of wine. We must have happy hour before dinner. (I don't drink.) How can I be more than a half-century old and still feel like this? I try and work my alanon. I try and be compassionate and gracious. I try not to get sucked into the conversation that always find me lacking in some character trait that my mother wants at that moment.

So I'm sucking it up and putting on my game face.

Am I too judgmental? Do I expect the worst? I am already in a knot over the fact that the new medicine my mother is on for her knee should preclude her from drinking, but I suspect it will not. I don't want her to get sicker and selfishly, I don't want to be attacked. I don't want to be responsible for her at the wedding. I'd just like to enjoy it as a family as we watch our brother marry our friend.

And then there is Christmas. We are going down for Christmas, and my mother will be receuperating from her knee replacement surgery which is scheduled for the Monday after Thanksgiving. My mother is usually debilitated in some way around Christmas - it has become a difficult holiday for her. Two years ago when we were down, she was in the midst of her breakdown. In the years before she has been depressed (her parents died (when they were in the 80s just after the holidays.) They too had their issues of depression and alcohol abuse during her lifetime.

I'd just like a stress free holiday, but I think that doesn't exist. I'd like to feel less angsty about things that should make me joyful. I'd like to be less judgmental and more forgiving. I'd also like to be forgiven for my own transgressions of not being whatever I'm supposed to be at that particular moment. I'd like to find affordable plane tickets and hot have spouse fly off the day after Christmas for four days to the other side of the country. I'd like world peace and the end to poverty, ignorance and hunger while we're at it.

And for now, that's all I got.

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