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9:16 a.m. - 2008-09-05
Torn

I am too tired to do the happy dance in honor of Friday, and it doesn't even really feel like a Friday because I have to work tomorrow and Sunday when all the students move in.

I rearranged my schedule once again so that my folks could have my car to visit their friends last night. I even gassed it up for them so they would have a full tank. I was told that they wanted to leave at 3:30. I was home by 3:15. And my mother wasn't even dressed, and my father lost the directions, and they jammed up the computer trying to print out new directions. And. They. Don't. Apologize. Ever. Or was I wrong to expect an apology? Or a thank you? Do I expect too much? Am I not dutiful enough?

Work was a bear yesterday. I had non-stop meetings from 8 a.m. throughout the day until I had to leave to get them the car. I didn't get to have lunch, I didn't even get to the bathroom until I picked up Andy at school. (Spouse had to work late last night.) And so as soon as I got home, my mother started in on me because I wasn't "smiling." And my father was angry because I wasn't happy that my brother and his family is coming for dinner.

Maybe I need a reality check. Maybe I am acting inappropriately. So finally, they left to see their friends for dinner. (Andy had been invited to play at a friend's house earlier.) I finished up work phone calls, replied to work emails, and then Andy came home and I made him dinner, and started cleaning up in anticipation of tomorrow's dinner.

And then they were back around 8. My mother had once again been drinking. "But I only had two martinis and no wine with dinner." And she had that heavy-lidded look and I felt a fight coming on, so I just worked in the other room and finally went to bed.

They are supposed to fly home tomorrow, but the hurricanes may delay that. I want them to be safe, and have suggested that they rebook their flights for later next week after the second storm passes, but I don't know what they'll do. And I also want them to go home.But I feel so incredibly guilty and hateful that I think that. I want the parents that aren't sloppy, and the tiniest bit acknowledging that people have gone out of their way for them. I want to be the person who doesn't need that acknowledgment, but I apprently am.

It will be interesting to see how my house looks this afternoon. My parent's stuff is everywhere, and my father offered to clean up since my brother and his family are coming. Hmmm.

And I still hate myself for not being a better daughter.

And for now that's all I've got.

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