7:58 a.m. - 2008-09-04
Sedate heavily
A major rant.
Yesterday I took a chunk of the day off to take my parents around so they could see all the wedding venues. I dropped off the kids at school at 7:15, then came in for a meeting that lasted until just before 10. Came home, waited for my mother to get ready, then headed out. First we hit the caterer for the rehearsal dinner which they are hosting. It was nice, we met the chef, had lunch and looked at the menu my brother and future SIL chose. My mother sampled the wines (red and white) they will be serving. Then we drove down to the hotel where we will be staying on the night of the wedding. The wedding ceremony is mid-afternoon on a Sunday, then the reception is early evening, so some of us are staying in the town where the reception is being held - America's hometown. Then we stopped by the reception venue, and then we drove down to the Cape of Cod to see the time share rooms (7) that my mother reserved for some of the out of town guests. The rooms are in three different locations, so it was a pile o'driving. We got home around 7 ish, and I got everything together for BLTs for dinner. Then, I was tired.
My mother had a few drinks. This is what makes me crazy. She is not supposed to drink on these medications, and it was one of the things she obsessed over for the few months last year when she didn't drink - when she could have her first drink, how much she could drink, etc. I have a knee-jerk reaction to this. But my father? Not so much. No one takes her to task for it because you just come away bloodied. She says she talked to her psychiatrist about it and he told her that she'd just feel more "tipsy" because the medication would make her feel the alcohol more strongly. So she's gone from one drink occasionally to two or three almost every night. She has had some issues with her psychiatrist. He moved and forgot to tell her, he's forgotten her name on several occasions, he's mis-prescribed, but she doesn't want to change because (and this just occurred to me last week) he thinks it is okay if she drinks while on the meds. Please. Just. Shoot. Me. Now.
And when she drinks, her personality is a whole other issue. I just retreat. She says she didn't drink while Andy was with her in Florida last month. But I am overwhelmed with the thought that she is becoming more obsessive about drinking. She was talking about how she would have to find someone to drive her and my father after the wedding reception back to the hotel. I wanted to scream "JUST DON'T DRINK THEN!" but it would have only started another battle, and one that I never win.
I do not like my mother when she drinks. I do not like the way her voice sounds or the way her eyelids get heavy, or the way she wants me to accept her behavior, yet change my own. And I hate myself for it. Aren't we supposed to love our parents unconditionally?
Am I supposed to tell her that I think she maybe needs to see another doctor or have her meds adjusted? Is it my job again to do another intervention? And what will she say to me this time? That I am judgmental? Toxic? Bitter? Sharp-tongued? Hateful? Depressed myself?
I am afraid of being attacked again. I am afraid of not doing the right thing. I'm afraid that I'm not doing what I should be doing for her.
And I am tired.
My future SIL was on the phone with her for about an hour last night. SIL is having a bad time at work, about to be fired by a new boss for no good reason, and it is a shame because she should be enjoying this time before her wedding. My very petty, mean self thought after this conversation, that if this conversation had been with me, my mother would have been telling me to forget about the work troubles, enjoy this time, and there was something wrong with me that I had to focus on the negative. But she was supportive of my SIL - and I'm GLAD! I just don't know why I get a different treatment.
She was also on the phone with my other brother. We had tried to make plans to get together on Friday since we haven't seen them much this year, and my mother wants to see the grand kids. Originally we were going to try and do the drive in on Friday (my folks leave on Saturday.) But it looks like the weather won't cooperate, so I suggested meeting half-way and having dinner. (We live a bit more than an hour's drive from one another.) We can't have dinner at my brother's because they are having major renovations to their house. I don't want to have dinner at my house because I am tired and didn't want to have to plan another big meal, clean up, go shopping for food, etc. I also have to work this weekend. My mother asked me yesterday if I wanted to have them over for dinner on Friday and I said no - and suggested that we meet half-way at a restaurant. Guess what? We're having dinner at my house tomorrow night. I have no car tonight because I've loaned it to my parents (willingly) to meet their friends for dinner in Rhode Island. So tomorrow on my lunch hour I'll be shopping and getting stuff ready. I think I wouldn't be so angry if my opinion mattered. It is the pretending to ask me what I want, me saying what I want, and then finding out that the decision was already made and doing what everyone else wants anyway.
But I'm not bitter. I just hate myself.
And for now, that's all I got.
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