10:42 a.m. - 2008-08-11
Mean and flabby
Such an incredibly Mondayish Monday. I am in a pissy mood, I am tired, it is raining and my hair won't dry, work is crazy and people are calling wanting all manner of things, including changes to something that cannot be changed. And I don't like myself very much today.
My future SIL and brother came up to spend the weekend with my mother and father because future SIL is having a difficult time at work and needed taking care of. I am glad she feels that she can do that, but I am angry that I do not feel I can do that. My mother has told me on many occasions that she just cannot cope any more and that she has too much to worry about. So I've stopped looking to her for much support. She has said this on several occasions, over the last several years, and so I've become more used to it, though I'm still hurt by it. But she can be there for others. She is happy that future SIL is leaning on her.
And then, yesterday afternoon when I called them, my mother announced that she was going away with a friend (who is very much a "taker" kind of friend - everything is about her, her, her, she is so lonely and no one dates her, blah,blah,blah...) because this friend "needs" some support and wants to lean on someone.
Why can't I lean?
I hate myself for thinking and feeling this. I hate myself for wanting to deny people who are in obvious emotional pain, the thing that they want, just because I am not allowed to have it. I mean, if I am on a diet and not eating chocolate cake, I don't mind if others eat chocolate cake. So why does this have me all twisted up?
And now I feel worse, because this all looks so shallow and petty of me on paper.
So here's the weekend recap:
Friday was another long day at work, I continued to work on the website and do meetings and training and hold people's hands who couldn't figure out what they were supposed to do. Again.
Friday night, I had a pb&J for dinner, then dodged a HUGE thunderstorm and cropped from 7 until about 10. I watched part of the Olympic opening ceremonies in between projects. Spouse and Andy dined with the in-laws, and got home about two hours before I did.
Saturday morning, we were up and out early - Andy had an 8:30 sax lesson; I went to crop, and then I had to go and judge the cookie contest from noon to 2 p.m.
It was hot, and we got to taste 17 different cookies. (There were 34 entries but they split us up into Odd and Even judges.) There were a few outstanding cookies - I paced myself, breaking off a chunk of each cookie and tasting it, rather than downing a whole cookie. And there were some klunkers. Banana + chocolate chip cookie = icky. Also, use fresh ingredients, one cookie had a very rancid flour taste. I had three favorites, and two of the three won:
The first cookie was a traditional cookie - buttery and soft, good amount of chocolate.
The second was a white-chocolate with raspberry cookie - and had a fresh raspberry in the center.
The third had espresso powder mixed in - very delicious.
After that, Andy was invited to go swimming at a friend's house in the neighborhood; spouse drove me back to cropping, and after we finished cropping at 5, my scrapbooking friend (who is the one asking me to host tupperware parties) and her family met me and my family for dinner at a local Italian chain restaurant.
After dinner, we came home, I did some laundry and watched more of the Olympics.
Sunday was church, more laundry, spouse did the grocery shopping, I did some more cleaning, but mostly I napped on the couch and made dinner (coconut shrimp from a dream dinner package.) Then more olympics and bed time.
Did I mention I also caught a cold this weekend? Who gets colds in August? I am beating it back with lots of liquids and vitamin C, and it is mostly in the back of my throat, but I thought I'd have a sinus reprieve for at least the summer months.
So aside from my bitchiness and pettiness and mean-spiritedness, that's about all I got for now.
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