2:46 p.m. - 2008-01-23
Complain, complain, complain
I feel like my brain is leaking out of my ears. I know some other journal says that and I would give him/her credit if only the part of my brain that remembered that had not leaked out.
Crazy, crazy at work. I was a bit panicked in the morning because I had to pitch an (interesting to us) story to the media, but wasn't sure how much traction it would got. Fortunately, it went well, and alot of papers picked it up. Unfortunately, the reporters wanted to quote me instead of the president because they did not want to wait to speak to her, so I was worried, but she was fine with that. Whew.
I cannot remember what I ate for lunch.
Tonight I have to take some of my cub scouts to meet some boy scouts at an open house. Some of them will decide if they want to go with that troop.
Know what I did last night? Not much. Spouse cooked (I was right - Salmon, green beans and sweet potatoes.) Then I fell asleep and dreamt that Charlie Harper (two-and-a-half-men teevee show) was my mentor and I was a 17 year old girl. Better lay off of the green beans.
My father called - he is lonesome since my mother is still visiting with my sister. He told me he didn't do too much during the day. He always says that and I don't know why it makes me so angry and frustrated, though I don't usually let on. Both of my parents are talking all the time about how tired they are. They tell me after I have worked an 11 hour day that they had a great time relaxing all day, and did nothing. I want to think that they do this to tell me how wonderful it will be when I retire, but instead I just feel resentful and wonder how they can't not want to be useful in some way.
I am the first one who wants to relax, take it easy and do nothing. Just not all the time.
I remember when my grandparents were in their later years, and especially when they were ill, they wanted to get well enough to "do their work." I believed that meant to them - taking care of themselves, household chores, cooking, etc., since they were retired. I don't get that from my parents. I feel like they just give in. I recognize that this is MY reaction, and MY feelings. I am probably reading the whole situation wrong, but I'm brewing this little kettle of resentment stew and I don't like it.
When they were working and I was growing up, I had to run the household. I cooked dinners, made lunches, did laundry, looked after my siblings and the pets, and sometimes served as confidante to both parents. I am grateful for the sacrifices they made for me. But I'm not sure I want to do that to Andy.
Can I balance that with him? Can I make him feel confident and capable about cooking and cleaning and taking care of himself (and maybe others) without making him feel like hired help? How do I balance that? Are there things we do just because we are the children and they are the parents?
AM I COMPLAINING ENOUGH? AM I UNGRATEFUL ENOUGH?
Okay - for now that's all I got.
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