8:31 a.m. - 2007-03-21
Some smelly fish this week
Wednesday. Are there songs about Wednesday?
Here is what I saw in the last 12 hours - five fat robins and a cucumber on the side of the road. Really. Who would lose a cucumber on the Interstate?
Last night's blue fish was delicious. I was still full from lunch, so I had only a smallish piece and some broccoli. Spouse and Andy had big hunks - we just broiled it with butter and lemon - soooooo good!
We still had a fair amount left, so we walked over to the neighbors and offered it to their kitty. Then we had a little night drive to the new W@lgreens to pick up my film - most of it was cub scouts. How did that happen?
Tonight we have more cub scouts. It is at someone else's house at least. Spouse is in charge of dinner. I think we're having salmon - we're just chock full of omega three fatty acids. Are you jealous?
My mother is telling me she is feeling better. She sounded better. I have just figured out that I have probably run through all my "tending to" reserves for sick people. I would make an awful nurse. I would make a nasty caregiver. I just have no more patience. I feel like everyone should fight through their illness. Not surrender. I know that is a major flaw in me - I think I've just spent all my sick nurturing, and there are no reserves left. It makes me dislike that part of my personality.
My mother has had many major illnesses since I was a child - some of which have lasted for more than a year. I am grateful that most of them were not life-threatening - gallbladder, broken leg, broken toes, hysterectomy. The first big illness, when I was 6, was probably the most serious - she did almost die, but recovered and changed. Of course, she was only in her mid-20s, how could you help changing when you're that young? Then there were other ailments, not so well-defined that required tests and visits to specialists in New York. She was bedridden for about a year when I was about 14. Did I use up all my caregiving? Will I get it back?
I am even tired of spouse being sick. I know he must feel it, because I am so done with fluffing the pillows and making soup and bringing gingerale. Time to move on.
And yet when Andy gets sick, I have wells and wells of caregiving in me. I fret obsessively. I make sure he has everything he needs.
When I get sick, I fight, fight, fight it and push to get better. I deny it. Is it fair of me to get angry at those who don't do as I do? I don't usually let people take care of me.
Guess I better think about this.
And that's all I got.
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