8:55 a.m. - 2006-11-28
WTH?
This is what I have to think about:
I had a really great weekend, productive, fun, comfortable. Sunday night I had all these anxiety dreams and was looking for spectors around every corner all day yesterday.
Am I sabotaging myself? Am I not letting myself be happy? Or am I only allowed to have a certain number of hours of happiness?
I kept waiting for someone to yell at me at work. I kept waiting for something to happen to spouse or Andy. I kept waiting for the car to break down.
I talked to my mother yesterday. I thought she was doing well, but she says she is so tired again. She said she has so much to do to get ready for Christmas, which she is hosting. If it is so overwhelming, why does she want to host? And really, we do alot of the cooking, etc. She doesn't have to really do alot of shopping. She could bang it out in a few hours and be done. I don't know if it is because of the depression. And I know this is the time of year that both of her parents died - right after Christmas.
I find it harder and harder to be sympathetic. She pretty much travels when and where she wants. She doesn't work any more, she has crafts and hobbies. And she has her health. She could come and be with one of us at a moment's notice. But she gets depressed and won't get help. And if you are reading this Mom, that's all I want - is for you to be happy. And I don't understand why you won't get therapy or anti-depressants. You push all of us to get help, but you won't do it for yourself, and when we try to move you towards it, you lash out and say hurtful things and accuse us of judging you.
I don't think my mother actually reads this. I've asked her not to, and I don't think she knows the links, but just in case.
So that's where things are now.
In the more mundane aspects of my life, we finished Andy's book report project - H@rry Potter, but the report had to be in the form of a cereal box - he had to create a cereal that H@rry would eat based on the book, so he created "Hogw@rts Moral Fiber" cereal since in this book (gobl3t of fire) Harry's character is tested. Then he had to write the ingredients (characters, plot, etc.) and a few paragraphs about why Harry would chose to eat this cereal. It is pretty cool.
He also had to complete an "organization web" on the next 10 weeks of his social studies projects - 8 of them by the end of February.
The turkey divan was okay - could have used more cheese. Tonight is tilapia with lemon and capers, brussels sprouts and brown rice. Can't you feel the fiber?
Also, "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is on tonight. Finish your chores and homework early!
A hui hu marama.
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