9:33 a.m. - 2004-04-12
Where the hell are those crocuses?
Pity party alert. I woke up feeling all purpl-y today, slightly bruised for no apparent reason except for self-pity. Andy came home from school sick after an hour (I think he enjoyed being home for the long weekend TOO much!) He has no fever nor symptoms, just maybe a tummy ache, though he is not sure. (Yesterday he had a really chocolate and candy fest.) We had a great Easter weekend. Andy enjoyed his various egg-hunts, baskets, treats, presents and family gatherings. My networking lunch person cancelled on Friday, well after we were supposed to meet. (And that was after the first person cancelled on me on Thursday.) My today networking person who was going with me into the big city for a big networking thang has also cancelled. Am I not worth spending time with? I am still worried about spouse who says he still doesn't feel up to par and has some pain.
I got my closet pole from spouse and am in the process of taking layers of my life from my closet and giving them to charity. I can get overly dramatic and look at my business wear and say - "Oh I'll probably never need THAT again," except I will. I hope. We went to church Saturday night instead of my usual quickie service at 7:30 on Sunday morning. This service had seven readings in addition to the usual epistle and gospel. And twelve songs. It also had three extra ceremonies where several adults were baptised into the church, then received first communion and then were confirmed. The music was interesting, but I always appreciate it when music directors throw in a song or two that is familiar and that we can sing along with and PARTICIPATE. So two and a half hours later, there still seemed to be no end in sight to this service, and we left because Andy (and most of the other kids whose parents had brought them for what they anticipated was an hour, hour and a half at most service, were falling asleep at 10 p.m. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to God for everything in my life, and I realize I should be able to give Her/him a few hours of my week to show how grateful I am, but I couldn't help feeling ambushed, particularly after our diocese bishop pronounced that feminism is an "evil," and separately from that, he would not wash the feet of women during the Holy Thursday services where priests "humble" themselves and wash the feet of their parishioners in a symbolic gesture, directly from the new testament. His reasoning? "There were no female apostles." Apparently, he has not chosen to read the gnostic bibles. Apparently, he is "dissing" Mary Magdalene. I'm not all "da Vinci Code" about this, (haven't even read it yet) I just think we should stop perpetuating the marginalization of women in the Catholic church. Because men are afraid of us. And so concludes the theological and philosophical portion of today's entry.
I also feel such a strong need to lean on someone right now. My siblings have their own worries, my two closest friends are also going through some yucky stuff so I don't want to impose. (one of my driving forces) and I can't lean on my mother because she has pretty much told me she doesn't want me to any more, that I already put her through enough. If I wasn't a parent myself, I might not be able to forgive her for that (how catholic of me) but I do get how painful it is to see your children suffer or worry for them. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed. I know my mother is tired, I think from a long and busy life, but I am unsympathetic. She travels when she wants, does what she wants when she wants to, doesn't work any more and gets to take naps. I am grateful to her for everything she has given to me and glad she can enjoy her life and travel. I just wish she would be grateful for it too and not tell me in every conversation how tired she is, or how much she wants to relax. Last year I made the mistake of suggesting that she see a doctor. It took a few weeks for us to get on cordial footing again. So it is probably better for me to lean on myself again, and keep my worrying about spouse to myself; and my doubts about my professional abilities to myself; and my frustration at not being a better homemaker to myself. I know I must sound self-indulgent and self-pitying. I just need a little hope, a little sign that Spouse will be okay, and I will earn a decent living again. I want to stop feeling guilty for feeling bad. I just want to stop feeling bad. I probably just need a few chocolate eggs and to get over myself and my period. Period.
Whine, whine, whine.
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